642 Things to Write About: My Grandfather's Girlfriend
Today’s topic is just that short bit: My Grandfather’s Girlfriend.
That’s it, that’s the entire topic from the book 642 Things to Write About.
My grandfathers are both long dead, one way before I was a twinkle in the cum on the end of my dad’s dick, the other when I was about 5 years old. I don’t know that either of them were awesome dudes, so maybe it’s not such a bad thing, and perhaps they WOULD be the types to have a girlfriend.
I guess it says something about me that this prompt fills me with dread. Rather than a picture of, I don’t know, a nice, older lady who bakes and plays pickleball, even though she complains about it and says she doesn’t understand what the fuss is about, tennis is just fine, I’m picturing grandpa bringing home a 24 year-old influencer. She TikTok dances her way into his life, and the rest of us have to sit around and pretend like it’s fine.
I want to make some rules for grandpas (and by this I mean “people 60 and over”) for dating. Think of this as 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, except the daughter isn’t mine, and this probably won’t be made into a sitcom…even though I think a sitcom with a grandpa dating a much younger woman would be both disgusting and compulsively watchable. I mean, the jokes write themselves!
In fact, let’s take a look at the first few episodes!
“Wise Beyond Her Years”
Grandpa keeps saying his new lady, 24 years old, is wise beyond her years. Everyone gets really sick of it, so they set up a quiz show in the living room to determine whether this lady really is so wise.
They also get a single, 55 year-old woman from Tinder to come and match wisdom wits with the 24 year-old.
Unfortunately, this plan backfires as the 55 year-old and 24 year-old bond over their mutual belief in marconics and sitting around in a room made with giant blocks of “Himalayan” sea salt. Because they’re both crackpots, they are, in one sense, wise, but in another, incredibly stupid, so there’s no good objective measure to be found.
However, it seems to be working as grandpa starts to look skeptical when the pair start talking about chemtrails.
The episode ends as the 55 year-old’s 22 year-old daughter comes to pick her up, the daughter and grandpa hit it off, and he starts dating an even younger woman.
“It’s Not About The Money”
Grandpa, tired of being told that his young girlfriend is just with him for the money, pretends to be broke to see whether or not she’ll leave him.
Which she does, almost immediately, although she says it’s not about the money while also never saying what it WAS about.
Grandpa ponders this for a bit, hitting up several massage parlors, and he uses the 17 days he’s single to write a book: How To Win Friends and Bang People With Money. Not, Like, Insertion Of The Money Into Them, But…You Know What I Mean.
This becomes a runaway bestseller, and in addition to inventing a signing table that’s much shorter than a normal book signing table so that babes have to lean way over and let you see down their shirts while you sign their books, grandpa meets a new, even younger woman on his book tour.
“With Friends Like These”
In an attempt to try and convince grandpa that dating a younger woman is gross and weird and stupid and delusional, and in forcing people to think so much about your old naked body you’re assaulting them psychologically, the family convinces grandpa to take his new, 21 year-old girlfriend to the “club” where he hangs out. They figure grandpa’s friends will be able to see through the fakeness here and get grandpa back on track.
Unfortunately, the girlfriend brings several of her friends, and the only thing grandpa’s buddies see through is the mostly-sheer top that a particularly endowed friend is wearing. The evening ends with all of the grandpas calling divorce lawyers while young women sit in their laps, and the family becomes infamous for causing the dissolution of multiple, decades’-long marriages in the community, and the grandpas all unveil a plaque at the club, a Thank You to the family for creating these new love connections.
“In Sickness and In Health”
After joking a lot about how his young girlfriend (we’re down to 19 now) will have to take care of him when he’s old(er) and infirm, the tables turn and grandpa’s girlfriend gets sick, so grandpa has to take care of HER.
After several days and many comical montages about changing dirty sheets and attempting to cook, grandpa gets fed up and hires a nurse. Who is 18 and hot and, well, you can see where this is going.
Cut to a few months later, as grandpa and the young nurse sit in an abortion clinic, grandpa chats with a young woman who seems torn about whether or not to have an abortion. Grandpa goes over and has a tender chat. When he returns to his girlfriend, she asks what he said, and he tells her that he convinced the young woman to not have an abortion, a stance he took not because he’s anti-choice, but because in another 18 years, he’d like to have “more options.”
He cackles wildly, it’s honestly frightening, and the show is cancelled almost immediately after this episode airs.