642 Things to Write About: Write Ten New Cheers for a High School Cheerleading Squad
Cheerleading is weird.
Before anyone gets their panties, which are very visible when you cheerlead, making sane adults super uncomfortable, in a twist, yes, I’m aware of cheerleading where it’s like a full-contact sport where people are throwing people way up in the air, doing backflips and shit, and I’m aware the rate of injury is high and that a good amount of athleticism is necessary.
First of all, we’re not talking about that brand of cheerleading, right? High school cheerleading isn’t like that, in general. I mean…there’s probably some fucking school in Texas or Florida where cheerleading is their primary sport and they DO do that shit, but if we could only talk about things when there was no exception to be made for maniacs in Texas or Florida, we couldn’t talk about anything, ever.
If some asshole has done something somewhere, and if that thing contradicts logic and sense, good bet they’re from Florida or Texas or both, somehow.
Second of all, or second of some, however that goes—I don’t necessarily see a high rate of injury as a badge of honor for a sport. Something being dangerous doesn’t make it more impressive. Like, the worse choice it is, the more we should admire it?
If that were the case, wouldn’t that whole cheese rolling sport be the best sport of ever?
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I mean, for the record, it kind of IS the best sport of ever. Its simplicity is beautiful: go down a hill fast as fuck. And the prize is a big wheel of cheese, which, let’s face it, is what everyone is using athletic prize money for anyway. We KNOW all those super bowl rings eventually get sold off for a giant circle of Parmigiano Reggiano.
If I were tasked with writing cheers for a high school cheerleading squad, I guess I’d want things that are unique and different, right? Something that’ll make people pay attention?
x = (-b ± √(b² - 4ac)) / 2a, that’s what I say that’s what I say.
x = (-b ± √(b² - 4ac)) / 2a, that’s what I say that’s what I say.
Yes, the Quadratic Formula. I mean, why not impart useful information in cheers? Arguably useless information, I’ll admit, but information high school students are using.
Plus, maybe this will help the reputation cheerleaders have for being dumbasses.
Sorry for not being more like a good Taylor Swift song and the worst dryer cycle: delicate. But, c’mon, we all know the Reputation here (also a good TSwift reference).
My name is Nadine. I was born I was born in 2013.
My name is Ashley. The first iPod is 12 years older than me.
Basically, this is a series of things that rhyme with the cheerleader’s names that make the crowd feel very old. I figure that way, any dads in the crowd who might be having an American Beauty moment, and not the type with a plastic bag blowing around, will have a stark reminder of NO. BAD.
W is for Wild
I is for “Idolatrine,” an underrated Ghost track.
L is for lid, which you should not keep on your shouting. As in, DON’T keep a lid on it.
D is for degree, which we get when we graduate, I think. The high school one is also a degree, right?
C is for catty, a good word to sub in for the other, much worse C-word if you’re in a pinch. You can just pretend you thought that was the C-word. It might work once.
A is for Algebra. For more on that, see our previous cheer.
T is for title, which is what we’re going to win with this sport, probably. I think most sports win a title, and we have to keep these kind of generic so they apply to lots of sports.
S is for support. Thanks for your support in listening to this long, convoluted cheer. Shit, I guess we should’ve done that for T. Oh, well.
The End.
Everyone likes a good spell-em-out, an oral acrostic.
S-U-C-C-E-S-S, that’s the way you spell “Success.”
R-H-Y-T-H-M, that’s the way you spell “Rhythm.”
D-I-R-R-H-E-A, that’s the way you spell “Diarrhea.”
R-H-I-N-O-C-E-R-O-S, that’s the way you spell, “Rhinoceros,” not like “Rhino-Saurus,” which is how I always think it’s spelled.
This one’s personal, I just have trouble with those words sometimes. Maybe give the school a spelling test, then have the cheerleaders do a cheer based on the words the students spell the suckiest.
Gimme an M
Gimme an I
Gimme a P
MIP! That’s why our best cheerleaders aren’t here. They got busted at a party. It happens!
Either it’s true or it’s not, but it does kind of give a good excuse for a lackluster performance.
Hey Hey, Hon Hon, Bruce Willis was a ghost all along.
Oh Oh, No Way, Kevin Spacey’s Keyser Soze.
Aye Aye, Locks Locks, Gwyneth’s head is in the box.
Oh and, The Mist, maybe wait to shoot a couple minutes.
Just a series of movie spoilers. Maybe you do this one on the rival team’s side, potentially ruin some shit for some of the people over there.
We need a batter
Not a broken ladder!
In fact,
Very few uses
For a broken ladder
Seems like an able-bodied person
Is more useful
Than a broken ladder
In every situation
Other than making a cute-sy
Rustic bookshelf thingie!
We’re [team X)
In green and orange and purple
We’ll mash em into paste
And give the juice a slurple
A little gross, also only works if one of your team colors is purple. But why not add in a splash of purple?
The skirts we wear
they’re way too short
kind of a distraction
when we insist this is a sport
Boom.
$400 bucks
Where’s my $400 bucks.
This is Pete, I wrote these cheers
The school promised me $400 bucks
Pay me it now.