A Somewhat Triumphant Return with Lessening Rectal Leakage
About 6 weeks ago, I had a hemorrhoidectomy.
I’m told that in medical circles, this is sometimes referred to as “The Devil’s Surgery” because it’s so goddamn painful.
Did you know that your butthole is one of the most nerve-heavy parts of your body? I found this out! Through experience!
But enough about me and my butthole. How are you? [please only respond if you’re a paid subscriber]
I did want to to take this moment to apologize to loyal readers, by which I mean paid subscribers. I let you down these past 6 weeks or so, and I know it’s tough to not hear from me for so long. I deeply and sincerely apologize, and I hope to get back into the swing and have more consistent newsletters in the future.
To slightly-less-loyal readers, those of you who have paid at one point or another and are not paying currently, I apologize to a reasonable extent. I’m not going to grovel at your feet (while taking sneaky pictures of said feet to post online with this
which is a tiny, cute lil camera I thought would be fun to carry around instead of my phone, and which my wife immediately dubbed a “pervo camera” because she assumed it was the kind of thing people would use to take upskirts or whatever. I countered that if I was going to do that, I would just use my phone, nobody questions if you hold your phone out in front of you, look like you’re texting, and have activated the front facing camera. This argument not only didn’t change the way my wife saw my Kodak Charmera cute lil camera, it made her suspicious of me in a way I’d never anticipated and felt was a little unfair. I mean, c’mon, just because I never have done pervo photography doesn’t mean I’d be totally inept at it! And being bad at something doesn’t mean you’re not suspect!).
To people who are subscribers and actually read these newsletters but have never paid, well, you’ve gotten more than what you paid for, and for the last 6 weeks, you’ve gotten exactly what you paid for. And you’re welcome.
To the true termites, the scumlords who read this occasionally but are not subscribed and don’t give me money anywhere, on any of my ventures, no matter how ridiculous, I say you probably still kinda owe ME at this point. I mean, what are you going to do? It’s like taking your grandma to court after she sent you $20 bucks every week and then paused for 6 weeks while a surgeon cut a string of flesh that began outside her asshole and went into her rectum, then she resumed sending you $20 bucks every week. But you, you prick, you want that back pay! And it’s your GRANDMOTHER. I AM YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
Well, I think we’ve reached our weekly level of unhinged that signals a successful, complete newsletter. Tune in next week for something even more better-er (unless you’re one of the termites, in which case, do whatever you want with your life, nobody cares).