Batman and Robin: Interlude 2

Where does he get those wonderful toys...

There’s a word used to describe some of the choices made on Batman and Robin: Toyetic.

This was a word coined by some fucking con artist fraud in the late 60s.

Basically, some dude was like, “Wait a minute…there are all these rules about advertisements…but what if we made a Hot Wheels TV show that was, basically, a 30-minute commercial for Hot Wheels thinly veiled by some sort of plot about, I don’t know, racing wheels? That are hot?”

The FCC shut that shit down, but don’t worry, that’s all gone away completely and you can now easily create hour-long commercials for toys and access SEVERAL Hot Wheels commercialtoons.

And thus the idea was planted: What if, instead of making a thing and then making toys for it, we baked the toys in from the beginning?!

This is why we got GI Joe, He-Man, The Real Ghostbusters, and a bunch of other bullshit.

Now, I’m not super opposed to this because A) Those toys were actually pretty great. I mean, look at this fucking monstrosity.

This is a Ghostbusters toy that transformer into an inhuman monster that eats people with his toned, footballing ass. It was dope.

And B) I’m not mad because, eh, kids want toys anyway, so I think tricking them into wanting your company’s specific toys isn’t really that horrible. It’s not like I would’ve been playing with a piano if I hadn’t had a toy garbage man that turned into a giant disgusting fly with pincers in his gut.

But I digress.

There is a line to be drawn here, and in my mind, it’s toy executives sitting in on a pre-production meeting for Batman & Robin to make the movie more “toyetic.”

I feel that this toyetic mandate may, MAY have caused the movie to do some dumb shit.

Such as?

Bat to Basics

Let’s look at some of the toys spawned by B&R.

There are always your basic figures, the ones closest to the actual characters and events of the movie.

Such as this Hover Attack Batman who stood on a hoverboard(?) that shot a missile(?) Not remotely anything that happens in this movie, but I do want to draw your attention to this figure’s nipples, specifically the lack of them. ALL of the figures lack nipples and codpieces, which means SOMEONE involved in this entire debacle had SOME sense, at least enough to say, “You know, I think when you throw nipples on a kid’s toy, you’re crossing a line.” Seems like a fairly obvious, clear line to me, but what the hell do I know?

You would think that a movie designed to launch toys would have people questioning the whole nipple/ass/codpiece combo, maybe someone from Kenner would come in with a belt sander and at least buff them nips down (which is certainly also a fetish), but you’d be wrong.

Here’s your basic Poison Ivy

Yikes.

I’m trying to guess which face sculpt this is…suffice to say, someone looked at a series of action figures heads that already existed and decided that this Keanu Reeves(?) model was close enough to Uma Thurman’s face for this line.

I mean, on the plus, her arms are toned as hell, Michelle Obama can suck it, the hair is lovingly wavy. I guess if we’re talking about fucking these figures, which we ARE, this is the definition of a butterface.

Then we’ve got your basic Robin:

Points on this one, it’s fairly true to the movie.

I don’t know that I LOVE that he’s clearly making the jackoff motion, but at least he’s got a goddamn cape!

Then there’s Mr. Freeze:

Nothing wrong with him except that the asking price for this one is $60 dollars! For this lump of plastic who is definitely making the classic action figure face of “Trying to push out a hard shit, possibly after using opioids for like 5 days. They were prescribed, but still, that prescription doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel like you’re tearing yourself asshole first.”

Where This Gets Real Weird

I had some really lousy Christmases with my dad. The nadir of these Christmases was the time I came upstairs expecting presents, and after some confused questions, had to straight up ask my dad if he remembered it was Christmas.

He took out his wallet, gave me what was in there, something like $27 dollars, and told me to split it with my brother, who was still asleep and probably smart enough to know there would be no Christmas that year.

The SECOND shittiest Christmas involved him remembering that Christmas was imminent (points for at least remembering at SOME point) and taking us to Kmart on Christmas Eve.

Not a Target, not a Wal-Mart, but the dead-center, Kmart.

Me, my older brother and two younger siblings looked through the toy aisles and picked out our own presents.

I selected this figure from the shelves:

Note that this is NOT Iron Man, it’s Vault Guardsman Riot Control Unit. Which I guess would be a more interesting political statement of a figure in 2020, but at the time was the best figure available on the shelves because by mid-afternoon on Christmas Eve, even irresponsible parents had finished their Christmas shopping and taken any remotely recognizable action figures home.

Keep in mind, this was pre-Amazon. The toy shelves were cleaned the fuck out, and if you were a toy manufacturer, it’d probably be good practice to hit the Kmart on Christmas Eve and see what was still there, because that was the shit NO ONE wanted.

Anyway, this is one of my most memorable experiences with the sorts of action figures that made you say, “Why the fuck did they make this?”

That Christmas earns the “Second Worst Christmas” award not because of the crappy toy, but because when we got home, our dad made me and my brothers wrap all the presents we had just picked out, including our own, to keep the Santa illusion alive for our sister.

I don’t know how much of a lil’ dumbass our dad thought my sister was, but I was fairly certain she would remember the toys she picked out 15 hours prior and be able to tell they were NOT delivered by Santa.

Sigh.

There are two other figures I remember being prime examples of really stupid toys:

Ah, yes, what kid doesn’t want a Bob figure? A paunchy, balding goon who looks more ready to tackle a 12 pack of Natty Ice than he is ready to tackle Batman. Bob is most famous for being shot by the Joker as a gag and wearing a stupid hat, probably just so we could tell him apart from the other goons.

Finding a Batman from this action figure series was almost impossible, but Bobs were fucking everywhere.

I actually owned this Arctic Batman. Which wasn’t terrible, but here’s the thing, toy manufacturers: Why not make the Batman look like normal-ass Batman? That way I can at least play with the figure and pretend like he’s not wearing an all-white getup that seems designed to display hobo blood spatter from latenight “interrogations.”

Back to the “film” at hand, here’s Heat Scan Batman from Batman and Robin.

This Batman has an Opti Scope Launcher, whatever the fuck that is, and Laser Ray Emitters, whatever those are?

He’s orange and black, so maybe if you got this, you could pretend he was some sort of Halloween Batman. Even though every day is kind of Halloween when your job is to dress up in a costume and eat candy (I assume that the utility belt has at least SOME candy in it).

What the fresh hell is this?

A shiny, purple and blue Batman?

I like how the figure doesn’t even match the artwork on the box, mere millimeters in front of the figure it’s supposed to be. These are literally laid on top of each other for comparison, and the people who made the artwork are like, “He’d look fuckin’ stupid with a silver faceplate, right? They’d never do that.”

This one even came with a little ring, you can see it in the upper right corner. I feel like someone stuck that in as an apology. “At least you get SOMETHING?”

Ah, Razor Skate Robin. At this time, figures with removable armor were really hot, either because it was cheap way to make transforming characters, or because some sadist thought it was funny to give these to kids because you’d inevitably lose one of the skates and render the character fairly useless.

What’s extra weird, though, is the armor-less figure.

If you saw this figure, what would you assume this was? How many guesses would it take before you landed on Robin? He looks like he’s wearing some kind of preppy college sweater with weird gloves…the Campus Rapist Action Figure?

You couldn’t even make SOME effort to make this slightly Robin-y? A Robin insignia on the chest? The domino mask? No, too much?

Not even a color scheme that SUGGESTS “Robin?”

Another telling part of the shittiness these Batman and Robin figures is the POA: Points of Articulation.

Basically, these are the joints a figure has. Some figures would come on the scene and have TONS of places they could bend and pose, like this dope-ass Spider-Man:

Homeboy could bend HIS WRISTS! He could turn his chest independently from his stomach! Amazing! They even made one of his hands in the patented THWIP position!

This was not useful, how often did an action figures rigid wrists create an issue, but still, it was pretty cool! Besides, what action figure is “useful?”

I count 14 POA on this one.

Robin had 5. More like POS…

Here we go, Frostbite, the Bob of this toy line. You know he’s a dynamite character when they have to put who the fuck he is (Mr. Freeze Henchman) in parenthesis below his name, like he’s a Journey song that isn’t titled for the chorus.

At least Frostbite has a bunch of shit you can add on, and he looks kinda cool on his own. Someone at least kind of, sort of tried here. Menacing face? Check. Thoughtful, if hideous, color scheme? Check. Scarf his mom probably knitted him so he wouldn’t catch cold while out doing ice-themed diamond heists? AND CHECK!

Here’s a “Sonic Batmobile.” I Have no idea what makes it sonic. Maybe it’s a “fuck you” name Batman came up with because they wouldn’t let him drive this Batmobile through Burger King, so he’s advertising for a competitor.

This came with one of those plastic things with ridges, basically a zip tie, that you stuck in the Batmobile, pulled out, and it made the Batmobile go at “Racing speed!”

I mean, I’ve seen The Senior Games. I saw an actual turtle race. So “racing speed” is all relative.

I can’t be the only one who hated (with the exception of Batman ‘66) Batmobiles with Batman just sticking out on top, right? Doesn’t he just look like a moron?

Oh, how could I forget Batgirl?

This thing is 99-cents. Now, to be fair, there’s a $13 dollar shipping on it, but nonetheless, a mint-in-box figure for that cheap has to be one of the lowest prices I’ve ever seen.

Sometimes these figures go up because when you’ve got one NO ONE wanted, it ends up becoming one of the more collectible options.

But, see, one of the facets that influences price: Someone has to want the thing. This may be the LAST mint-on-card Batgirl left in the entire world, but…who cares?

I mean, for the same price, you can get Heat Whatever Halloween Batman with no accessories and no box:

You can have a shitty, worthless Batman figure for less money than it would cost to buy s shitty, worthless Batgirl figure. And, notice the deal that you can save if you buy 2! For slightly less than what it would normally cost to buy two shitty, worthless Batman figures, you can buy two shitty, worthless Batman figures! The more you buy, the more you save, presuming your plan was to buy several of these shitty figures, damn the cost.

You know what cheeses me off the most about all this?

The knockoff figures look better!

I mean, okay, not great. You can feel that this figure is probably light enough to fly away in a light breeze, but how about this guy:

It’s not quite right, but at least it resembles A Batman I’m familiar with.

The Future

You might be thinking this “toyetic” deal is a thing of the past.

But look at dis shit! Super Sled Batman from Batman Begins? Did I see the same movie as everyone else? Did I miss the part where he strapped skates to his arms and thighs, like that one Jackass stunt?

The Thrilling Conclusion of Batman Begins!

Well, surely this didn’t carry through to everyone’s beloved Dark Knight, right?

Ah, shit. Shit.

And remember that chainsaw fight, like in Mandy, that Bane and Batman had in Dark Knight Rises? Because Wal-Mart sure as shit remembers:

And what kid wouldn’t want to play with the dark, brooding, eyeliner-ed Batman from the most recent picture?

Kids will have a BLAST re-enacting the moment when Bruce Wayne realizes that instead of fighting his way into the secret club for District Attorneys or whatever, he could use his privilege to enter. “Real skin color opens doors action!”

However, all of this has set me down a new path.

If I’m going to collect something, let it be the WORST Batman figures.

Like this Batman V Superman Rockem Sockem robot set.

I mean, the two figures just punching each other wildly IS pretty close to the plot of that one.

Slalom Racer Batman has to be another of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen.

Bruce Wayne is rich, so it tracks that he’d hit Aspen every year. I’m sure he can ski, and damn it, why don’t we get more skiing superheroes? Sure, there are a couple, including the Black Racer, who is Death in the DC universe that someone decided to put on skis…so badass…

My money is on Anti-Virus Batman. Just TRY to get within six feet of this dude.

I’m not sure what any of these accessories has to do with a virus, and I’m not sure whether this is a computer virus or a biological one. I don’t think Batman knows, either. Nor does the person who designed this toy know. It’s just a one-stop, “No Virus” Batman.

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DC, if you’re reading this, most likely because you need to gather material to send me a cease and desist, I would love to throw my hat in the ring to write some of these Batman stories.

All my Batman comics would be based on these figures. Why did he need these getups? How did he use them?

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

No?

Yeah, you’re right, it wouldn’t.

But at the very least, it would serve as a warning to future toy makers: This is how stupid your ideas are.