Batman & Robin the re-Novelization
Part 51
We rejoin our story in progress, or possibly regress, as Mr. Freeze takes over a telescope and uses it as a freeze ray somehow, the Bat Family speeds towards the scene in snow-themed Bat vehicles that will make terrible toys, and Poison Ivy is…dead? Probably dead.
Well, at least that’s one storyline wrapped up. Wrapped up in a bodybag, baby!
They didn’t come unnoticed.
Sorry, that was a note leftover from a bukkake thing. Kind of goes without saying.
Freeze watched the three vehicles speeding his way through the telescope’s viewfinder, which it still had even though it was now a freeze ray.
“So Ivy failed to unmask Batman and Robin,” he stated. “No matter. The Bat and the Bird are mine at last.” He operated the mechanism that tilted the telescope and allowed it to point straight down, which is pretty unusual for a telescope and we have one super pervo engineer to thank for that feature.
“Watch, Batman, as your beloved Gotham city that you love so much you should just go and marry it — watch as it freezes. And prepare to die. Because you’re next!”
Blue cryonic rays left over from the Mortal Kombat movie leaped downward on their mission of death.
On the city streets, people went about their lives unaware. They were walking dogs, drinking on stoops, eating in diners, lounging on corners, being suspicious of Black teens, kissing against alley walls, fighting about who had to have their back actually touch the alley wall where surely some bum had urinated in the last few days.
The blue glow washed over them all, freezing them, turning the streets and buildings into glistening ice, or possibly some kind of weird plastic that looked like ice but, you know, cheaper and more wobbly.
“The Bat-talion approaches,” Freeze said, thinking he was making a joke, but in reality, that’s also what Batman called their little group at this time, so it wasn’t all that funny outside of being kind of cute that they both thought of the same thing.
Freeze snapped into his radio, “Icemen — attack!”
[there’s a huge piece of missing script here. Apparently, whoever made this movie didn’t realize than Iceman from the X-Men couldn’t be in a DC movie. In some margin notes, someone repeatedly expresses things like, “I don’t get it, they’re all comics, don’t they all know each other or whatever?” and “Whatever, who cares?” I won’t bother you with the details, but they had to rewrite a portion to be just guys in parkas, and they were NOT happy about it]
Freeze’s minions had been awaiting his signal. And they didn’t look like men made out of ice, at all, none of them were named Bobby, and none of them were mutants, they were just guys in parkas, boring, stupid parka guys with no personality or superpowers because everyone is holding onto their intellectual properties so tightly that you can hardly tell a goddamn story anymore.
A specially adapted truck burst from its hiding place on the riverbank. What it was hiding from is unclear, but its bursting out was super cool and did not look anything like a car driving through a bunch of cardboard boxes spray painted white.
The truck raced towards the Bat-team on high blades. Two pairs of Icemen hung from towlines, their skis hissing as they maneuvered behind the truck in a moment that very briefly gave some hope for a Mad-Max-Style action sequence, but set on ice, which is a GREAT idea, but then they just started shooting machine guns, which makes no goddamn sense. Couldn’t you just do that from the vehicle? How does being in skis confer any sort of benefit? Couldn’t Batman just, I don’t know, slam his car into you?
In the cockpit of the Bathammer, monitor screens mapped the truck’s approach. “Attack plan Alpha,” Batman barked into his communicator.
Immediately, the Batsled peeled off to the side. “Alpha Roger,” Robin’s voice came over the intercom.
On the back of the speeding Batblade, Batgirl nodded. “Alpha, got it.” Her eyebrows wrinkled under her mask and cowl. “Um…what exactly is attack plan Alpha?”
Her question was drowned out as attack plan Alpha’s theme song, Mötley Crüe’s “Kickstart My Heart” blared over their connected earpieces.
Batman cut the wheel, turning the Bathammer sideways. Both skiers slammed into the side, one being sucked beneath and ground into a gore paste beneath the Bathammer, and the other hitting the Bathammer so dead center that he just burst, a blood ballon, and his insides steamed on the sides of the Bathammer as Mick Mars’ high energy guitar solo kicked in.
Two more skiers were deployed, and Robin pulled an honestly sweet move where he whipped around and caused the skiers to slam into each other at full speed. One had started screaming, and all of his upper teeth embedded into the bone of the other’s skull. They collided so hard their ribs wove together, and when their enmeshed corpse came to the hospital, it would come to be known as the “unholy marriage.” Academic papers would talk about how it was kind of beautiful to see two bodies so thoroughly destroyed that way.
Batgirl, once she finished vomiting, noticed the Batblade had a panel of buttons, and one said, “Nice extras package, schwing!” Robin, who applied the text to the buttons, was a big SNL movie fan.
When Batgirl pushed the button, the keel peeled back, revealing an even sharper blade underneath. Spinning and sidekicking, Batgirl used her deft driving skills to send a wave of frozen ice into the faces of her attackers. That was her intent, anyway, to show the boys that you could solve these situations without ultraviolence, but when the blade was deployed, she skidded much further than than she thought, and one of the Icemen was halved by the blade, his lower half behind Batgirl on the ice, and his upper half lodged in the workings of the Batblade. Still alive, in the most liberal sense of the word, the Iceman pawed at Batgirl’s ankle. Blood rocketed from his mouth, and Batgirl, feeling a tug on the handlebars, looked behind and realized that the Iceman’s top and bottom half were still connected by a thick rope of intestine, and his legs were dragging behind.
Robin pulled up next to her as the Iceman continued to smear the ice with his blood and shit. That’s something people don’t always tell you about: When your colon is burst apart, there is a very rank shit smell that you die unable to escape. It’s like being in a bubble of stink made by your own shit.
“Now THAT’S what I call the dangers of being uncut!” Robin quipped.
Batman still had the ice truck to deal with. He punched a couple buttons and launched two torpedoes at the truck, narrowly missing, but creating a hole in the ice, which the ice truck nosedived into.
Onlookers would see this as a mercy on the part of Batman, a non-lethal use of force, but what they didn’t realize is that Batman’s torpedoes were stuffed with highly radioactive materials, and the chances of these Icemen dying any way other than from a very painful, slow cancer were so low as to be statistically insignificant.
The trio of Bat-vehicles shot past, headed straight for the telescope.