LAST TIME:
We talked a little bit about jury duty, and this time, we’re going to talk a little bit MORE about jury duty.
C’mon, I did like almost two weeks of this shit, and the only way to lessen pain is to spread it around. Not because it improves my pain level, but because if the collective pain level is higher, mine is closer to normal by comparison.
I’m not going to summarize it, just read it here. If you already read it, you can read it again if you don’t remember.
What, do you feel like reading one of these newsletters twice is a waste of time, but for some reason, you don’t feel like reading them ONCE is a waste of time?
Oh, you poor, sweet fool.
~
The thing that really stinks about jury duty is that they spend A LOT of time trying to convince you that jury duty doesn’t stink.
It starts with a video, hosted by local news personality of the 90s Ed Sardella.
The jury room is sort of divided into three sections, and each section has a big TV mounted to the wall that shows the video. My side of the room was informed that our TV was broken, so it was suggested we just listen to it.
It’s probably a bad sign regarding the importance of information you’re about to receive if its delivery vector is running at about half-effectiveness, maybe less, and the person giving you the info is like, “Eh, fuck it, close enough.”
I’ve seen this video before, and I’ve watched Ed Sardella cover countless stories, so I was fine, but if you’re curious, here you go:
The video goes through a lot to try and make it seem like although jury duty isn’t how you’d choose to spend time, it’s REALLY IMPORTANT, and it’s your duty as an American.
Not only that, but you’ll come out of it feeling like you did your part, like you spent a few days helping the world instead of being a useless piece of shit like you normally are.
In terms of information, I’d say that the video is decent, but maybe too detailed. Do I need to hear FRENCH terms like Voir Dire? Can’t you just tell me that the jurors are asked questions? Isn’t that why law school exists, so lawyers can learn this shit and charge us money for it? It’s not like I’m going to be in there and be like, “Ah, voir dire!” and everyone else will stand and clap.
Plus, Ed, baby, you’re pronouncing it “vwahr dye-er,” and it really should be “vwahr deer.” C’mon, let’s get this fancy.
But despite butchering the French language, which I enjoy, the experience turns me off because A) I don’t like being told how to feel about things, and B) it was local news person Ed Sardella instead of local news person Adele Arakawa.
I don’t want to be gross, but I saw Adele Arakawa on the train in the airport once, and she’s a robobabe.
The whole thing where they tell me how honored I should feel, it’s psychological torture, like Stockholm Syndrome, trying to convince you not only to do it, but to like it.
Don’t try to convince me I like something. That’s reserved for me to do in my own mind. I can convince myself I like commuting on a crowded highway if I can tell myself it “gives me time to decompress.” I can convince myself to not hate working so much on a super hot day because at least I’m in air conditioning. But I can’t be convinced to enjoy jury duty. That’s just a waste of my ability to convince myself of a limited scope of untrue things.
Jury duty isn’t fun. It’s not an enjoyable experience. That’s why it’s Jury Duty and not Jury Funtime.
For the next however many days you’re on the jury, nobody tells you what the hell is going on, and you have to be excused by the judge to use the restroom.
I submit to you that jury duty is a bit like being a prisoner. Not JUST like, but there are some elements here.
During deliberations, if you have a question you need to ask, you have to—NO, YOU don’t write it on a sheet of paper, idiot, why would you write it on the paper? Because you’re closest to the door and no one really gives a shit who writes it?
No, put your pen down, because the foreperson writes any questions on a piece of paper, folds the paper in half, knocks on a door, a bailiff comes in, the foreperson gives the paper to the bailiff, and then you wait for the judge to return to you a typed and printed response.
It’s the slowest version of passing notes in class I’ve ever goddamn seen.
During deliberations, you can’t leave the room unless you’re escorted by the bailiff, who will allow you some yard time, literally in a courtyard, but you have to remain within the bailiff’s sightlines at all time.
You cannot leave to use a restroom, you have to use this tiny bathroom attached to the jury room, a bathroom where you can 100% hear everything going on from the jury room, a fact I only realized after I’d used it and then paid attention when someone else went in. Which is hard not to do because when someone is in the bathroom, you’re forbidden from speaking about the case, so it tends to get quiet just as a person begins releasing (hopefully) urine into a toilet.
How many people are having an excellent time during which they are forbidden from eating with metal silverware? How respected am I if I can’t bring a glass container with a salad in it because there’s a concern I’ll smash the container and use a shard to stab someone?
I feel like jury duty, instead of trying to convince me it’s important, should lend jurors courtesies that are based on the juror’s behavior. My behavior determines what’s reasonable, and if my behavior is good, then I think I should be trusted with a fork, at least a toddler-sized one. I would certainly trade in everyone standing when I enter the courtroom if it meant I could bring in a fork.
Pete’s Suggestions for Making Jury Duty Actually Less Terrible
Robes: Jurors should get special robes. They should be pretty comfy, but also cool and futuristic, like something people would wear in Star Trek. The judge gets robes, and the judge is constantly thanking us and saying how we’re the most important people in the courtroom, so how about it?
Employee Entrance: I mean, starting day 4, I was getting paid by the court. Doesn’t that make me an employee? Shouldn’t I be able to skip the metal detector? I mean, isn’t it pretty silly to think that I have some vendetta against the courts or whatever, and the way I decided to get revenge was to wait until I got jury duty, was selected for a jury, and on day 4, I strike? Strike out at a random courtroom full of people? With a fork?
Courtroom Coffee Shop: Guys, this is a gigantic moneymaker. You’re leaving cash on the table here. Sure, there was a pod-based coffee machine, which we all know are terrible. Seriously, did you ever know someone who had one of those IN THEIR HOME? That’s a crime. That’s a trial I could get behind.
Why not have a coffee corner in the courthouse? There’s no shortage of people who are halfway asleep during the course of trials, and maybe they could use a lil pick me up. Best bit: Jurors get a punch card that gives them one free beverage per day for the duration of the trial.
During Deliberations, Let Us Leave: It’s 2026. An unscrupulous juror could very easily use technology, in ways that aren’t even clever, to leak information outside the deliberations. It’s not like they make us lock our phones in those Yondr pouches, these trials have less security than a middling stand-up comedian’s set, so maybe just let us be in the outside world for an hour during the day. I mean, also, we go home at night, so it’s not like there’s zero opportunity for someone to talk about something they shouldn’t.
Play The Law & Order Dun-Dun Thing At The Start Of Each Day: Let me live the fantasy, just a little.
Pay Minimum Wage: Did you guys know that in my state, your employer is only required to pay you $50 bucks a day for the first three days of your jury duty service, and then on day 4, the court takes over, and they ALSO pay you $50 bucks per day? According to my calculations, that’s $71.28 short of minimum wage for an 8-hour day, or less than half. That seems borderline illegal, but at the very least, disrespectful. If we were taking home $1,000 dollars a day, I guarantee you, there would be an increase in morale in that jury box.