Helpful Snowman Newsletter: Now With Payment Options!
I’ve set up payment options on this newsletter. Why? Because at my work, I’m at the top of my salary range, which means due to some bullshitty math, I will make LESS this year than I did last year.
That’s right, in one of the most expensive states in the union, where housing prices are insane, I am on a downward path, not just because of rising costs, but in the actual dollar amount I bring home.
Being an adult blows!
But more to the point: if you want to pay, pay. If you don’t, don’t, BUT shut the fuck up about it. You ONLY get to complain if you’re paying. That’s the new rule. That’s one of the perks I offer paying readers: you can complain, and I will absorb it as though your complaints are insightful and not stupid at all.
I’ve set the payments at the lowest possible dollar amounts, and all of the past and future posts will likely be free. The possible exception would be something I want to put behind a paywall for…reasons. And possibly the thrilling conclusion of Batman and Robin the Re-Novelization, just because it’s hilarious to read 99% of something and only at the very end be denied access.
Yes, I think your pain is funny. Besides, that will probably take like a year to come around, so that’s really more of a 2025 You problem, not a 2024 You problem. My advice is to just ignore it for now.
You know what’s the worst part of setting up this payment thing? You have to go through Stripe, and they kind of try to guilt you into paying a percent to climate change. I’m not sure how exactly that works, but it’s sort of like when you do your taxes and there’s a special spot just for the presidential campaign election fund or whatever.
I’M PAYING YOU MONEY ALL YEAR! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT? WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE RESPONSIBLE?! Maybe stop buying lattes and avocado toast next time!
Read the room, fuckers. Why are you asking me for cash in the moment that I’m ALREADY paying you cash? Now is not the time. Maybe ask me outside the comic store when I just blew $100 bucks on back issues that nobody, ever, will want to read. Once I’ve wasted that money, I’m probably susceptible to the argument that my money is better spent on grownup things, like driving trains to the midwest to tell people a bunch of lies about how much you care about them.
It’s not that I don’t care about climate change. I’m pretty sure climate change is more important than who the president is. It’s more that
A) I feel the .5% of my Substack revenue is going to be the kind of amount that makes a calculator say ERROR, so it’s really not valuable. Sure, every penny counts, but I’ll leave that kind of feelgood math to some lil dumbass 3rd grader who fills a jar with pennies and contributes it all to climate change and gets on the news and then someone donates a trillion pennies or whatever.
B) Stripe could probably make a bigger difference by just paying their CEO $5 bucks less a year on his TEN FIGURE SALARY. I’m not a big “eat the rich” guy, but c’mon, bro, I think one of us needs that $5 bucks a lot more than you. Guess I kind of flubbed that line, but flubbed it in a way that expresses truth. Kind of the definition of “poetry” and why I deserve a couple bucks, no?
Anyway, I apologize in advance for popups and shit that ask you to donate, and I’ll just unsubtly say that the best way to be rid of those is to, well, donate.
So I guess it’s up to you: spend a little money or be a little annoyed. Or, if you’re a masochist, you could pay AND browse to this newsletter in an incognito window, getting both the pain of donation AND the annoyance of clicking through the popups.
I am the most welcoming newsletter writer to exist. Nobody is better than me.