I Have THE POWER!
Let’s take a break from our regularly-scheduled 642 Things to Write About to talk about some emails I’ve gotten lately.
Or, wait, I bet we can count this as one of the 642 Things if we look hard enough…okay, got it:
Write an X-Rated Disney Scenario.
Yeah, nice try. I’m not doing pron AND violating Disney copyright in one go. Batman and Robin erotica, sure, but you’re not fooling me into writing some shit about Lindsay Lohan going down on Jamie Lee Curtis from that Freakier Friday movie. I might be thinking about it now…and be done thinking about it…
…
…
…
…
now! But I’m not writing it down. Any more than I already have.
Xcel Energy, sometime this summer, started sending me these emails about “Energy Action Days.”
They go something like this:
July 21 is an Energy Action Day!
You can make a difference. By reducing energy use during peak demand, you can save money and reduce carbon emissions. Plus, you are helping keep energy reliable for you and your community.
If possible, lower your energy use during the hours of:
4:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m.
Now, this might sound like not such a bad idea, right? Let’s all be a little green together!
But you have to understand that this comes from a company, really the only energy provider in the state, that is under investigation for service outages, has seen increasing blackouts for the last decade, which more than doubled in 2024, and the company will be in court in September to fight against taking responsibility for the Marshall Fire, which it may have contributed to by not rebuilding their shit, the most expensive fire in Colorado history.
Xcel Energy complains a lot about the “crumbling infrastructure” THAT IT BOUGHT OR BUILT AND HAS EXCLUSIVE CONTROL OVER, while also paying its CEO $21,000,000 in 2023, which was double what he got paid the year before.
So you’ll have to excuse my cynicism when it comes to this company talking about reduction of usage.
I mean, it’s weird, right? It’d be like Coke telling us how you could drink less Coke. Giving you advice about drinking more water, or how maybe a coffee in the morning would give you more control over the sugar content. Or maybe, my personal advice, if you want to stop drinking soda, keep it at room temperature. Don’t add ice. When drinks are cold, you don’t taste them as much, and when they’re warmer, you’re actually tasting how sweet they are, and maybe they aren’t quite as pleasant.
The only reason Xcel would be advising us on how to use less power would have to be because the consequences of all of us using power are outweighing the revenue they’re earning from providing that power. In other words, if they get sued because there are constant rolling blackouts, mebbe we then discover they aren’t putting much of their profits back into improving the grid, mebbe we then find out they are rolling blackouts through selected areas, for example, NOT where their execs live.
So I definitely think what’s going on here is that Xcel is trying to reduce the number and magnitude of fuck-ups by having us use them less.
Which is diabolical. It’s like a car company having a horrendous safety record, so their solution is to encourage people to drive less, use public transportation, and thereby reduce the number of accidents people are having in their vehicles and the number of severe injuries.
Instead of fixing the problem, we fix something else that adjusts the perception of the problem’s severity.
I mean, this is a survival mechanism for me personally. Rather than solve my many, many problems, I can put beers inside me! It doesn’t solve anything, but suddenly crippling depression is less easy to hold onto!
So how do we do it, Excel? What are the, “Get blotto-ed!” steps we can take? Please, teach us the ways!
Keep doors and windows closed
To reduce the unwanted loss of heated and/or cooled air, it is important to limit the time outside doors and windows are open.
What kind of idiot has the goddamn door open when it’s 90-degrees outside? Why even have a house? Why not just frame a house and then live within the bare timber? Who would even benefit from this advice?
Oh…my one neighbor who let her cat roam outside, which you should never do, especially in a neighborhood like mine which is bordered by one highway, one busy street, and one cat-hungry Poonmaster Flexxx who would adopt a cat that even glances in her direction, and then when that cat “disappeared,” her solution was to get MULTIPLE KITTENS. I mean, I guess it works on the level of Mennonites not vaccinating their kids in 2025, and when one dies of measles, they can just be like, “Well, we’ve still got 80% of our kids.”
Lower your fridge temperature
Simply reset your refrigerator temperature to 35 degrees F.
I’m confused by this.
Your refrigerator uses more energy if the difference between it and the outside temperature is greater. So if I’m lowering my refrigerator temperature from something ABOVE 35-degrees, to 35 degrees, it will use more power.
Maybe by “lower” they mean “lower your power usage” by setting your fridge at 35 if it’s currently set below 35? But then why would they say, “Lower your fridge temperature?”
I just can’t find a single source that would confirm this step would help reduce power usage, other than these Excel emails.
This…this is one of about 10 pieces of advice they circulate REPEATEDLY, and it’s not even correct. I spent two years talking about codpieces in this newsletter, and even I can see that this email, sent out by a billion dollar company, is either completely wrong or so poorly written as to confuse everyone reading it. And not “confuse” in the fun, sexy way where Jamie Lee Curtis reveals to Lindsay Lohan that they’re not ACTUALLY blood relatives in Freakier Friday, so if they were to retire to the boudoir and maybe…
Raise your thermostat temperature during Peak Events
Decreasing your use of air conditioning during Peak Events is the most effective way to save energy. Most people find they can raise the temperature 2-4°F and still stay comfortable by closing shades and using fans.
See, now how the fuck are you telling me to lower the fridge temp and RAISE the outside temp? What is a refrigerator if not a living room for food that’s kept at a temperature that keeps the crotches of food from getting too smelly? Because you can’t put deodorant on food. I mean, you can. I did. I wouldn’t recommend it.
And, yes, every food item has a crotch. It’s very obvious on an apple (that’d be near the sort of indent on the bottom) or a carrot (the whole thing is crotch), and less obvious on a carton of milk, but trust me, if you go seeking a crotch on any item, you’ll find it.
Minimize appliance use during Energy Action Days
Appliances typically account for 13% of total energy use. Avoid running your dishwasher, clothes washer, dryer and other electric appliances during Energy Action Days.
Oh, must be nice to NEVER spill a punch bowl filled with chili and crushed Fritos all over yourself and the floor a couple times a week. Sorry, your highness, didn’t realize.
Install smart "plug strips"
Many electronic devices consume power even when turned off. Smart power strips stop these vampire loads.
Sure, I’ll replace all those. That’ll only cost…
$76.60 PER STRIP.
Now, when we talk about vampire power, which is not to be confused with blood, the power source for vampires, we see a lot of scary stuff about how Americans spend BILLIONS on vampire power each year.
Vampire power can be from things that draw a teensy bit of power, even when turned off. Like anything with an electronic display, a little status light, like the one on the Wii that’s bright red when the console is off, which makes no fucking sense because why is a light warning me that a thing is DOING NOTHING?
But when we talk about the billions in vampire power, we’re probably mostly talking about things like your modem/router, your thermostat, your garage door opener, your aforementioned refrigerator so it can monitor its own temperature. These things do always draw some power, and it’s kind of necessary for them to, you know, work.
My guess is that while vampire power probably accounts for SOME of the waste, it’s probably become somewhat of a necessary evil.
The solution to get smart strips is dumb. Let’s just consider: I make an Amazon order, these strips are packaged in Bumfuck, Indiana, transferred to a shipping center in Hobosexual, Nebraska, and then probably routed to Steerdick, Texas, before arriving in Cowfart, Colorado. The power needs to complete this process must certainly outweigh YEARS of this stupid Wii continuing to reassure me that it is NOT turned on at the moment, unlike me with my Freakier Friday fanfic…Freakier indeed…
Oh, and by the by, you don’t need “smart” power strips to reduce your vampire power. If you use regular-ass power strips, and you flip the switch off, it will eliminate any vampiric, Nosferatu-esque power from being pulled. So, like, the $15 power strip you’ve had for a decade now is fine, just flip the goddamn switch. A smart strip will automatically cut off power to things in standby mode, so it might be more convenient if you, like me, have a nest of videogame console cords that you sort of hate and sort of want to Matrix out and live in for the rest of your days, and if those cords aren’t reach-able, sure, smarten up, dummy.
But for $75 bucks? I can lean over and flip a switch.
Unplug unused devices
Simply unplug any equipment that is not likely to be used for more than a few hours; this includes guest room clocks, game consoles, and phone chargers.
Guest room clocks? GUEST ROOM CLOCKS!?
I’m trying to reduce power here, and you’re giving me advice about managing a motherfucking GUEST ROOM, a thing NOBODY has in this economy and nobody needs because, let’s be real, when guests come, they don’t want to stay in your guest room, and you don’t want them in your guest room.
Anyone rich enough to have a goddamn room just sitting in their house with nothing in it is rich enough to get a hotel for their visiting relatives.
Plus, show some creativity. Movie theater. Arcade. C’mon, you can do better than an empty room for the friends you don’t even have but totally, probably, maybe will have someday when you fix your shit personality.
Plan an outing to stay cool during peak events
Make plans with your family or friends to be out of the house during the next Peak Event. Raise the AC temperature before you leave, then see a movie, get some ice cream, or find other fun activities to stay cool.
How…how much ice cream would you suggest I get to be out of the house for 4 hours? Where should I get this ice cream, somewhere 2 hours away, which I can DRIVE TO!?
Also, don’t be a dick. You KNOW I don’t have friends. So, what, I’m going to be the lone weirdo at the movie theater, like that guy I met when I saw Freddy Versus Jason who brought his own homemade sandwich in and scream-talked to me before the movie started, who spoiled the goddamn movie WE WERE ABOUT TO WATCH in the 10 minutes before the lights went down?
Actually…that is an aspirational figure for me at this point. At least he got out of the house.
Close window shades and blinds during peak events
Sunlight passing through windows heats your home and makes your AC work harder. You can block this heat by closing your window blinds or drapes. Then raise your AC temperature by 2-4°F to save electricity.
Nice try, but my understanding is that blocking the sun creates MORE power needs.
I present to you Exhibit A: The Simpsons S6 E25, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)."
Turn off the AC if you're leaving for the day
If no one in your household will be home during the peak event, turn off your air conditioning before you leave in the morning. Turn it back on when you get home; your house will cool down much faster than you may think.
It’ll cool down faster than I think? I highly doubt that. You, sir, grossly underestimate my impatience. And sweatiness.
I hate to be all negative all the time, and I thought maybe I could offer some tips for YOU, Excel. We’re all in this together, right?
Raise the temperature in all your offices/buildings by 7 degrees and let everyone wear shorts and short sleeves.
C’mon, you can all wear Hawaiian shirts. It can be your thing!
Publish your CEO’s home thermostat schedule and temperatures.
I’m sure it’ll be an inspiration to us all.
Perhaps invest in wildfire prevention and your own infrastructure instead of AI wildfire detection, which detects fires earlier, but doesn’t prevent them.
When you’ve got crabs, getting that crab shampoo early is great, but it’s not better than not getting crabs at all.
I know this one is boring, but maybe don’t spend money fighting the release of your political donations.
It’s illegal for utility companies to “bake in” the costs of political donations because that would mean, basically, that we, the residents, would be forced to make political donations in order to have electricity.
Xcel is fighting the request for transparency in terms of their donations, which is really the only way we’d know for sure that they weren’t charging you for power and then using that money to fund a political campaign.
In its public report, Xcel Energy said it spent nearly $2.5 million on lobbying and political contributions in Colorado in 2023 but did not itemize its expenses in the report. It provided some further detail in its annual lobbying filing. Xcel Energy was the top spender on political lobbying during that fiscal year, according to a Colorado Sun analysis.
Maybe spend that on improving the grid? Wind turbines? Solar panels? Anything useful?
Stop Writing all that X-Rated Freakier Friday Stuff!
You’re getting all hot and bothered, it’s raising the temperature in your homes, for sure. I know that normally the temperature change from a human body would be nominal, but we all know you guys write A TON of that stuff, and every little bit helps. So, please, if you can, just try and write, I don’t know, only a couple pages per day instead of the normal novella-length work you guys do. Then cool off outside the home by eating some ice cream.
Maybe buy an extra scoop for your crotch, you sickos.