Why did we all fall for this wireless mouse bullshit?
No preamble, let’s go:
How fucking far away are you from your computer that a wireless mouse is more convenient than a wired mouse?
I’m never more than, I don’t know, 5 inches away? That’s an estimate I made using my full penis length twice: 5 inches.
If I’m a mere 2 full-penis-lengths from my computer, what is the point of the wireless thing? I am not seeking a wireless penis. Did we learn NOTHING from the song “Detachable Penis?”
Is anyone on the planet keeping their computer far, far away from their mouse? If so, who the fuck do you think you are? I don’t care about Why or How, I want to know just who you think you are, having a computer that’s not next to where you are.
Isn’t anyone else annoyed as fuck when you have to get up and get two AA batteries for their mouse, which previously worked just fine with a goddamn cord?
I thought we were all on a kick where we were at least PRETENDING to care a little bit about the environment. Isn’t it exciting to think about a future where we stand on a hill, surveying the land with our grandchildren, saying, “Yes, that cesspool below filled with acidic slurry? That’s from our computer mice batteries. Which makes sense. What was I going to do, have like a cord or something coming out of it? I care about the planet and all, but I’m not a barbarian.”
You know how many times we replaced any portion of the shitty, came-with-the-computer rollerball mouse on an old Dell or whatever? None times. That shit came in the box, you plugged it in, and that was it. You never thought about it again. You didn’t even know where or how it worked because you never futzed with it. Plugged it in Day 1, unplugged it the day the computer itself was kaput.
I’ve used the same corded computer mouse, which I begged for from our IT department, for 3 years now. No issues. No replacements. No battery waste.
It’s an $8-dollar product.
AA batteries come out to something like $1.50 for a set of two.
Which means within 5 years the wire on your mouse is paying for itself.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
The most basic wireless mouse of the same brand costs $10 dollars more.
On day one, the wireless mouse costs $10 more, plus we can add another $1.50 for that first set of batteries, and as it uses a consumable resource, the price gets higher and higher the longer you use it.
Meanwhile the wired mouse gets cheaper and cheaper the longer you use it.
And, AND, you have ONE incident where you’re at home, working away, your mouse dies, you need batteries, and SHIT, you’re all out. So you make a trip to the store. That one trip, in time and money, costs you more than an entire wireless-ass mouse!
Oh, AND, most wireless mice take up a USB port anyway with this stupid little dongle that’s perhaps the easiest thing to lose ever invented. Apple thought AirPods were going to be the easiest thing to ever lose, but at least AirPods are white and come with a little case. That wireless mouse dongle is so small it could fit all the way up my urethra.
You’re probably thinking way too much about the dimensions of my schwang by now, having a good idea of the length as well as now understanding the gauging of my urethra. This is why this article was rejected by most reputable, and several disreputable, computer magazines.
The only thing I have left to say on the topic is that whoever invented the trackpad is modern history’s greatest monster. What a piece of shit. I have my trackpad hooked up to a pistol set to fire at me should I ever click on the trackpad. Because I know that if I’m using a trackpad, I’m so miserable that I no longer want to live in this cruel world.